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The Butcher of Schmeat

In the future President Andrew Yang has AI robots doing all the work. UBI is $9,000/month. Nobody works except President Yang & two volunteers drafted from each state. I was selected; what is my job? I am the Butcher of Schmeat

Schmeat is synthesized meat - disembodied, delicious - grown in-vitro, lab & factory produce, flesh & fat attained without causing pain

I appear on TV once a week wearing a blood-stained aprons to appease the nostalgic. I announce the upcoming edibles that our robo-bionutritionists have developed

No one eats sentient flesh anymore. The thought is gag-inducing. Transgressors who sample this modern taboo are incarcerated as cannibals.

All the chickens + pigs were given their freedom in the jungles of India & Polynesia. They joyfully cackle & grunt as they’re stalked by archers and pet robo-tigers

Cows, horses & goats were genetically fused with humans - in Athens - to become Minotaurs, Centaurs & Satyrs. Tourists eager to see these classic attractions have made Greece - once again - the wealthiest place on Earth

Oceans, lakes + rivers are teeming with leaping fish & bobbing ducks. Pastureland - 32 million square kilometers - is wild again. Ditto the 10 million square kilometers that grew feed for livestock

Today, as the Butcher of Schmeat, I am introducing a 20 pound fake party-crab, fully edible, even the pinchers. If you prefer popping schmeat out of shells, we have Escargot imported from France (they insist o the copyright). We also have a new barbecued kangaroo and an arboreal iguana from the Amazon, aka “Chicken of the Tree.”

There is a slaughterhouse museum in Kanas; it’s beings to the Genocide Quartet: Dachau, Rwanda, Cambodia, Abilene

friendly Butcher of Schmeat; there’s a hologram of me in every supermarket, smiling & asking, “How can I help? What red, packed-with-protein product would you like me to slice?”

Schmeat has no background of bellowing terror, no screaming in the shadows, no PTSD cortisol hiding in the murdered fibers.

Eat without Guilt, and Enjoy!