Hypocrite Dad

Zenobia, my precious 13-year-old daughter - You will never do drugs, never! - No drugs for you! It’s easy to explain:

Zenobia, when I was young, in my thoughtful teens and twenties - when I was young, I was already thinking about you - I was already striving for the betterment of your unborn life

Back then, in the high-responsible 1970’s - I was conducting pharmaceutical studies - for you, Zenobia - I was carefully researching all the pills, plants, potions and powders - that a future daughter of mine might possibly be interested in

Zenobia, I can report to you know that every drug - I ever smoked, drank, ate, chewed, injected, snorted or licked off an anatomical organ - Every drug I encountered was boring, icky, grosser than homework, ickier than chores, more boring than vacations with the family

lucky Zenobia, I can also report to you that alcohol is useless for the young - You don’t need to drink alcohol until you have children of your own - Then you can drink as much as you want — because you might find Children annoying & you need to relax, or you’ll kill them

Zenobia, my darling 13-year-old daughter - I have even more wisdom for your curious ears - in the 1970’s I also conducted research in the Incredibly over-rated activity known as “premarital sex” - For your benefit, my dear daughter, I entwined myself in educational situations with neighbors, classmates, employers, dissatisfied wives, low-budget European tourists, drunken divorcees in hot tubs & the very hairy hippie twins from Oregon

After years of careful research I can now report to you that Premarital sex is just as icky, gross and boring as drugs, even more so, because you’re female - The females I had premarital sex with were always even more embarrassed, nauseated, and horrified by the ordeal than I was

Zenobia, your future is bright and shiny - You’ll live here with Mommy and Daddy forever so that you can be safe from the annoying dangers I’ve mentioned - Or you can marry anyone you want as long as they are rich enough to build additional bedrooms in the back of this house for your privacy, and for my numerous grandchildren

A career, Zenobia? You’ll be excellent at geriatric care, assisting the elderly - It's the only way you can ever repay me for the 2,764 times that I changed your filthy diaper & wiped your stinking butt - Without resentment or bitterness

Zenobia!  There’s nothing for you to rebel against - like an idiot - All you have to do is enjoy the freedom To do everything exactly as I’ve planned.