The Magic Diaphragm

Jackie lives in the Mission District of San Francisco. She likes to eat organic carrots on the sidewalk.

Jackie also likes to collect used prophylactics. There are thousands of used rubbers all over the Mission District. Jackie takes them home and boils them clean. She is proud of herself for practicing recycling and safe sex at the same time.

One day Jackie was scraping up a rubber with her library card. Suddenly, a diaphragm came rolling by. Jackie wanted the diaphragm, so she chased it down the street. She dove for it, but she missed. She dove again, and this time she pinned it against the curb. 

It was the oldest, dirtiest diaphragm Jackie had ever seen. Jackie put it in her purse with the rest of the latex; she took it home and boiled it in the pot. But - when she took it out of the pot, she screamed YIKES! The diaphragm was alive, it had a little face, smiling at her.

"W-W-What do you want?" Jackie asked the diaphragm "Why are you here?" The diaphragm offered to give Jackie advice. Jackie put the diaphragm high on a ledge in her room, so it could spy on potential lovers. 

hen she went out and found a big dude. She carried him inside, she got him comfy in bed, but when she got out her diaphragm, the diaphragm said NO. 

Jackie told the guy NO but he got mad and tried to molest her. To escape, she pretended to have an epileptic seizure; she rolled around on the floor and bit the furniture. The creep finally gave up and went home.

Jackie's diaphragm was very picky. I personally got rejected. Nobody was good enough for Jackie's diaphragm. 

ne day Jackie met a drummer in a really cool band. She really wanted to sleep with this guy so she took him home and she let him practice on her head for a while. But the diaphragm said NO.

This time, Jackie got mad, she told the diaphragm, "You're gonna do it and like it!" She smeared some orthogonal on the diaphragm and stuck it between her legs. Then she put the diaphragm inside her and she climbed on top of the drummer. 

But the drummer started screaming! His face turned red, distorted with again. He thrashed around in horrible pain. Finally he grabbed his clothes and ran out the door.

"What was that all about?" Jackie wondered and she removed her diaphragm. YIKES! The diaphragm had sharp teeth; it bit off a chunk of the drummer's penis... OH NO!

ackie gave the diaphragm a bubble bath to calm it down an then she gave it a massage. "What am I going to do with you?" she asked.

The diaphragm had an idea...

Holding it in front of her like a telescope, Jackie walked out the door. They went to the Castro, but the diaphragm was only confused. Finally she ended up on Twin Peaks, with her diaphragm she scanned the City - but the diaphragm rejected the entire population of San Francisco.

ackie watched a lot of TV with the diaphragm for a while, and she ate a lot of ice cream. But then she got bored... She wrapped the diaphragm up in a chicken burrito and fed it to her cat.

And that was the end of that.

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