William, I giggled with your girlfriend

‘cause I was high & she was high & you were bye-bye out of town — William, we were both lonely without you

William, I kissed your lovers lips—I curled my paws around her hips
we cuddled on your couch 'cause I’m your closest friend, William,
I wanna feel everything you feel in this world

William, I nibbled on her thin tongue next, my fingers scampered 'round her breast
William, we were stuffing a turkey together—that’s why we got excited
William, when she borrowed my herpes lotion I knew we had a dangerous connection

William, I dallied with your dearest 'cause I feared she was gonna sleep with a creep
when you were out of town & I wanted it to be somebody you can trust

William, the last bag of marijuana you sold me was crap so you owe me $10
William, I held her near, she chewed my ear, I removed her pink brassiere

William, she rested ‘gainst my shivering chest, she said you two had a quarrel
I said “I am an ex-Catholic, sex is best when it’s immoral”

William, when I saw your gal-pal’s underwear I had to tear them off 'cause
you told me there’s still scars on her butt
'cause a pit bull bit her when she was three years old
you can’t be telling me things like that without me wanting to know first-hand

William, I unclothed your cutie comrade 'cause I disrobed
some of your other darlings & I delighted in it so I decided, dang—let’s do it again

William, I did the fling-a-ding whirl with your lovable girl
'cause she was complaining that she doesn’t have orgasms with you
—she wanted to find out if it was your fault or something else—
she didn’t have an orgasm with me either, William
I think she’s a lesbian you oughta be moving on

William, I savored the flavor of your fine friend because—
I had this sweetie named Stevie seven years ago,
Stevie said you were sexy, we spat about that, then we split,
you ruptured that relationship, William, for that, you owe me one—

William, I don’t know her very well, we’re kinda awkward around each other
—this seemed like an excellent way to break the ice—

William, I throbbed hearts with your honey, cause it was Celtic Holiday—
I do declare that a desperate dose of pagan power
is contained & conveyed in the Druid fluid of the amatory act
& I am, William, first & foremost, I am a seeker of knowledge